I love you, and I am sorry.
3 days ago my mom phoned me to tell me a short storyof her dream.
She dream that while she was doing the house chore as per usual, my late grandma came down from the stair, holding her clothe on her right arm.
My mom asked her whether she wanted her clothe to clean or not, and proceed to tell her to throw her clothe into the washing machine, my dad (still in her dream mode), however, asked my mom who the heck she was talking to, and she woke up. My dad (post-dream, mind you, do I have to structure out the story in detail ?) jokingly asked her how was my grandma looked like. Her replied, she was like when she was 70s, happy and chubby old fellow, which made me smile.
And it has been a year since my grandma passed away on July 22th, she was 89 years old, or maybe around 90s. She had lived a very, very long life.
After the phone conversation, it got me traveled back in time, how my grandma kept slapping my forehead while learning to brush my teeth the hard way, and got chased around by her wielding the rotan as I uttered "cibai" in front of her. Yes it still makes me chuckle.
However during 2003, my grandma suddenly changed. She became more withdrawn and senile. She became very unhygienic and kept rely on us, her loved ones, to help her even though she still have the strength to do so, and it wasn't even a heavy job.
This is where I started to hate her.
Yes, I hated her. I hated her for disturbing my hectic study by calling my name for no reason. I hated her for almost screwing up my STPM, I hated her for making me wash her feces and helped her changed diaper, and worst of all, I hated her for becoming the grandma that I couldn't recognise anymore when I was a kid.
Before I came down to KL in 2006 to further my study in UTAR, she was bed ridden, unable to move by herself as she was too lazy to do so. As I am the only one who had time for her when it comes to cleaning up, after I was gone, only my aunt, who was a retired nurse, did the dirty job for my grandma. As I came back to to home town every long break, everytime I look at her, I felt that she kept slipping away, and all I could muster from my mouth is "fuck you".
Her condition when on until to her death on that very day. God forbid I couldn't felt any sadness in me, it is a feeling that I still can't explain. To put it this way, it was time for her to leave.
While paying her the last respect, my relative told me one thing that I overlooked. She said that among all the grandchildren she observed, she LOVED me the most. However, that time I just didn't care, assuming that this is an attempt to make me feel sad and guilty, but I still had that very sentence kept inside my head till now.
And it is true.
Who made me feel all comfy when I was afraid of the dark and let me slept beside her ? Grandma.
Who was there to console me when I got scolded by teacher for having a sucky result and keep telling me to fight back ? Grandma.
Who was there to reward me to make sure my efforts were not in vain ? Grandma.
Who was there to make me smile ? Grandma.
And what did I do ? Nothing. Just busy with my own study and wallowed on how I couldn't get a girlfriend yet. She loved me.
It is captain obvious it is too late now, but life moves on, and with all the philosophy about how human take things for granted settled down, she has gone. Period.
5 more days to go before the 1st anniversary of her funeral, I sigh a sense of relief, as she finally found peace in her death.
Rest in peace, and I love you, Ms.Lau Sin Hoe.
She dream that while she was doing the house chore as per usual, my late grandma came down from the stair, holding her clothe on her right arm.
My mom asked her whether she wanted her clothe to clean or not, and proceed to tell her to throw her clothe into the washing machine, my dad (still in her dream mode), however, asked my mom who the heck she was talking to, and she woke up. My dad (post-dream, mind you, do I have to structure out the story in detail ?) jokingly asked her how was my grandma looked like. Her replied, she was like when she was 70s, happy and chubby old fellow, which made me smile.
And it has been a year since my grandma passed away on July 22th, she was 89 years old, or maybe around 90s. She had lived a very, very long life.
After the phone conversation, it got me traveled back in time, how my grandma kept slapping my forehead while learning to brush my teeth the hard way, and got chased around by her wielding the rotan as I uttered "cibai" in front of her. Yes it still makes me chuckle.
However during 2003, my grandma suddenly changed. She became more withdrawn and senile. She became very unhygienic and kept rely on us, her loved ones, to help her even though she still have the strength to do so, and it wasn't even a heavy job.
This is where I started to hate her.
Yes, I hated her. I hated her for disturbing my hectic study by calling my name for no reason. I hated her for almost screwing up my STPM, I hated her for making me wash her feces and helped her changed diaper, and worst of all, I hated her for becoming the grandma that I couldn't recognise anymore when I was a kid.
Before I came down to KL in 2006 to further my study in UTAR, she was bed ridden, unable to move by herself as she was too lazy to do so. As I am the only one who had time for her when it comes to cleaning up, after I was gone, only my aunt, who was a retired nurse, did the dirty job for my grandma. As I came back to to home town every long break, everytime I look at her, I felt that she kept slipping away, and all I could muster from my mouth is "fuck you".
Her condition when on until to her death on that very day. God forbid I couldn't felt any sadness in me, it is a feeling that I still can't explain. To put it this way, it was time for her to leave.
While paying her the last respect, my relative told me one thing that I overlooked. She said that among all the grandchildren she observed, she LOVED me the most. However, that time I just didn't care, assuming that this is an attempt to make me feel sad and guilty, but I still had that very sentence kept inside my head till now.
And it is true.
Who made me feel all comfy when I was afraid of the dark and let me slept beside her ? Grandma.
Who was there to console me when I got scolded by teacher for having a sucky result and keep telling me to fight back ? Grandma.
Who was there to reward me to make sure my efforts were not in vain ? Grandma.
Who was there to make me smile ? Grandma.
And what did I do ? Nothing. Just busy with my own study and wallowed on how I couldn't get a girlfriend yet. She loved me.
It is captain obvious it is too late now, but life moves on, and with all the philosophy about how human take things for granted settled down, she has gone. Period.
5 more days to go before the 1st anniversary of her funeral, I sigh a sense of relief, as she finally found peace in her death.
Rest in peace, and I love you, Ms.Lau Sin Hoe.
Yung Jie discriminated at
9:24 PM
0 Comment:
Post a Comment
<< Home